just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
