If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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