i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
