I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
