That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
