he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
