R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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