Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
