my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
