every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
