i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
