I faked an abortion last night.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
