Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
