It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
