I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
