I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
