What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
