That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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