Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Randomize
