Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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