I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
