So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
