The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
