just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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