you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
