I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
