no, he came in my armpit
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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