I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
