I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
