Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
