YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
