Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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