I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
