All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
