Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
