soooo we both peed the bed last night...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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