she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
