I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
