four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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