when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
