Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
