my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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