I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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