someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
