I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
