i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
