Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
