my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
