Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
