Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
