maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
