My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
